No Strings Attached
A new study reveals the Best States for Casual Relationships.
Friends,
I receive all sorts of pitches every day – hundreds in fact - everything from a new restaurant opening, a chef on the move, to a revolutionary gut-healthy-probiotic-protein-hemp-matcha powder to a knife that promises to sharpen itself and do your dishes while you sleep. Well that last one was just aspirational.
Anyway, the other day, I received an email unlike any other. It was a pitch to cover a new report by Only Fans content creator database Fanstats titled “The Best US States for Casual Relationships.” I’ve read about the best states for longest lifespan, or lowest stress, or most eco-friendly, but the best places to hook up? That’s a first.
According to the missive, “the study examined all 50 U.S. states by measuring four key casual relationship success areas.” Huh. So there are four “key casual relationship success areas”? Well, yes. And in case you’re curious, it went on to describe how those four factors are computed to reach the state with the best casual relationship score; they do not teach you this in 8th grade algebra.
They take the percentage of the population that is unmarried (divorced, widowed, separated, or never married), add it to the number of people use apps per 100K people, and the total number of entertainment spots, such as restaurants and bars, available for a date, and that’s where you get a “friendliness score” (that’s their euphemism for DTF) “indicating how open and social the local culture is toward meeting new people. These factors were combined in a final score between 1 and 100.”
The winner? Rhode Island! It scored 100 and is the top location for a relationship with no strings attached! I don’t know about you, but I feel the need to dissect this on a number of levels.
First off, let’s discuss the editorial angle here. The study points to a story with the headline: “DTF? One night stands? Move here!” Now given it’s a study from the creators of Only Fans, it tracks. And honestly, that could work for a Styles story or something? I mean the Times just did this piece on how the swipe era is over and singles are out there wrestling to meet their soulmates. Maybe they just need to move to Rhode Island? So yeah that could be a fun piece. I mean I’m writing about it here.
But more seriously, why is the promise of a casual relationship a lure? Why are we committing to people not wanting to commit? The report explains that “every state in the top 10 shares one similarity: more than half their populations remain unmarried, with New Yorkers and Floridians showing the strongest appetite for apps, using Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble for casual relationships.”
I question the study’s conclusion that a state with lots of single people who are on apps, with a whole lot of bars are the best states for casual flings. That’s pretty reductive. Why does being single mean that you’re just looking for a one night stand? Why does that mean you want just a slice, not a whole pie? Some people may prefer being single, that doesn’t mean they want to casually hook up. And just because people are casually hooking up doesn’t mean they want to stay single, or don’t crave something more.
Why not say these are the best states to meet your huzz, find your soulmate, marry your boo, or whatever word people use today for partner. Why say this is where you can move to fuck and be free of commitment? I mean there’s an appeal to that carefree vibe, sure, but I guess I don’t see that as a reason to move somewhere. And if it is, what is that saying about us as a humans?
I’ll counter and say this: folks stay single because apps are built to keep people swiping, not connecting. Apps are full of inappropriate or undatable options, leading to more and more swiping, and “upgrading” to more expensive plans that promise more matches and better crop of choices, which, surprise, don’t exist.
Perhaps the reality is that we are living in a culture where we don’t really want to commit. I see it in both dating and in the job search too, all of it actually. I can’t tell you the number of roles I’ve applied for over the last few years, swiping through Indeed, Linkedin, Glassdoor, and more, finding what seems like it might be a very good fit — skillsets perfectly matched — then gone on to have several rounds of interviews, writing tests, presentations, panels, only to be ghosted, or told the job is being pulled.
I recently had a CEO/founder (a man, which I think is also telling) reach out to me for a senior content role at a new food tech company. He was eager to talk to me and asked if I could make time that very afternoon! I said sure, so we did a call, a zoom that lasted quite a while, and he said he’d be in touch to have me come into the office and learn more. He has now disappeared. I’ve followed up. Nothing. I’ve stopped wondering if it’s me. It’s not. It’s that the entire notion of manners, civility, propriety has vanished. Poof.
Spotlighting a city for its commitment-free fuckability is hilarious and maybe a little sad. It’s kind of like advertising a restaurant that only serves sides. Now, I love a good side! They’re often plainly delicious. But at some point you want a meal. You want a main course, you want to stay a while. I like a nice steak, a roast chicken. Don’t you?
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! While it's too big a topic to get into on a Substack comment, I agree that modern society is overflowing with tools that offer part time warm fuzzies and not long term satisfaction.
Let her cook!
I am a bit astounded that they saw their model had produced Rhode Island and didn't think to change their weightings or inputs, but perhaps RI is the Mount Olympus of swingers. I somehow reflexively doubt this.
Actually the data suggests something much darker, not that these inputs identify places offering a lot of short term situations, but instead solipsism. A lot of single people on apps doesn't indicate opportunity, but desperation. Whatever trend line of hyper-individualism we've been on for the better part of my lifetime, Covid seems to have supercharged it, and even talking to people in real life seems a lot harder than it used to be, and I'm GenX! Everyone just seems like they want to be left alone. And the death of basic civility is absolutely true. Blame aside, until we all return to each other we won't be able to think our way out of this. The phone and apps are the problem and can't also be the solution.