If I Named Nail Polish Colors

There would be no Prima Ballerina or Lazy Morning. Here's my list.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I have random thoughts. They come to me when I am running, when I am doing errands in the neighborhood, or, you know, when I am staring out into space when I should be working. 

Recently, I was thinking about who actually names all those nail polish colors lined up at the salon in neat rows on the “pick a color” wall shelves. Is there a team at Essie that does it at weekly meetings? Or is there a writer’s room at Zoya where they all hash out what the right name is for that new shade of gray that kind of looks like cement married silly putty?

I wonder if there are there actual arguments where Jessyka confronts Oaklynd about why that shade should be named Brooklyn Sidewalk and definitely NOT Urban Jungle? Or do the “namers” work in silos, each one assigned a color group to own? Do people envy those working on the “pinks,” who can easily lean on petals, dancers, daydreams, and unicorns? These are questions that come up in my head. I know, if you lived in my head you’d want to move, I get that. 

Then I got to thinking, I always need more jobs. Maybe I could be a nail polish namer?Maybe I will apply to be a copywriter at Essie, Opi, or Deborah Lipman? I mean I could do this!

For my application, I’ll send in this new line of nail polishes marketed to Moms over 50. Below is my list: name, followed by shade.

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Andrea’s Nail Polish Colors for Women over 50

Holy hell, my body is a fucking furnace: Flaming Red 

Cut my legs shaving because my kids are screaming for me while I’m in the shower (even though I told them I was getting in the shower and to leave me alone): Blood Red 

Annual Mammogram/Dense Breasts: Nude

I used to have dark hair now it’s gray, and I’m too tired to dye it: Silver Gray 

The laundry won’t do itself: Light Brown

Recipe from the New York Times that I burned because I was also doing the laundry, helping the kids with homework, writing an article for work, and on hold with the insurance company at the same time: Charcoal

Put on deodorant! Pale Green, like the stink coming from under their teenage armpits.

It’s nice out kids, let’s leave the apartment: Pale Pink, like the cherry blossoms my kids will only see through the windows of our home.

That’s not a vibrator/Why are you looking in my nightstand drawer? Dark Rose 

Thank god for elastic waist garments: Beige

I’m running in Prospect Park, but everyone is passing me: Green

Divorce during the pandemic: Black, Metallic.